Gather round
Not your average ceremony
Imagine for a moment you’re sitting down with your closest friends and family reminiscing on the beloved stories of your past, like how you used to play dress ups with your cousins and when there was ever a disagreement nothing was ever your fault. This sounds like a special dinner out, or even a wedding reception, but certainly not a wedding ceremony, right? Well, why not?!
There is a strong consensus amongst couples that there is a certain way that a marriage ceremony must go or at least should go. Sure, there are the legal things that must be said, witnessed, and signed, but other than the necessary components, there should be nothing stopping a couple from doing anything and everything they want. Your wedding, your way. That’s my philosophy as a civil marriage celebrant in Australia.
Introducing Trees and Sam
This is the story of Trees and Sam and how together we created a unique ceremony that we’ll never forget. Trees and Sam lived in Victoria and were in the process of moving to Canberra. Because of this, the groom Sam was only able to attend the initial meeting with me. We spoke about the usual things and thought we had a plan for their upcoming ceremony. My ceremonies are always unique and personal to the couple, but each follow a similar structure. You know how it goes: they walk down the aisle, you talk about what marriage means to the couple, you share a story or two, maybe chuck in a ritual, speak the monitum, then the vows, rings, and boom, “I now pronounce you”, some paperwork, and we’re done.
It wasn’t until a few days later that the bride Trees gave me a call. She wasn’t sure exactly what she wanted, but she knew she didn’t want the traditional style of ceremony that Sam and I had discussed. Trees envisioned my role as being less of a celebrant in the making a speech sense, and more of a facilitator of conversation between the couple and the guests. She said the idea that they would be standing and separated from everyone else while they listened in silence was not the ceremony she imagined. Instead, she hoped that we would be able to all sit in a circle as equals. Trees said, "we would actually love to share our stories and have our guests share stories too", and right then I said “YES!” This made absolute sense to me. Yes, I'm a storyteller and sharing a couple’s stories during their ceremony is a great honour, but I am not the couple, nor have I shared experiences with them throughout their life. So, as opposed to being the person who shares their stories, I would hand over the rite of passage of getting married to the couple themselves (still keeping all the legal aspects in of course).
Quaker Faith Ceremony
In researching how to structure this ceremony, I discovered that the type of ceremony that Trees was describing was a Quaker faith inspired ceremony. In the Quaker faith, a marriage ceremony is simplistic and elegant because the focus of the ceremony is on the couple’s union being acknowledged and affirmed by their community, and as such, a Quaker wedding is a very intimate gathering. Trees and Sam chose their 21 guests with careful consideration and some guests even commented that they thought others would have been chosen before them. Trees and Sam’s guests truly felt the honour of being invited to participate in the beginning of their marriage. In keeping with Trees’ vision of me being more of a facilitator of conversation, I needed to give the couple opportunities to speak and lead the ceremony. In the Quaker faith there is no celebrant, officiant, minister, or similar to marry the couple. This is because they believe that no one can truly marry two people because it’s the couple’s choice to be married to one another. In a Quaker faith ceremony, the space the couple is being married may not be sacred, but the community of people putting aside any agenda other than being present for and reflective of the couple, is what makes the space sacred.
The ceremony that Trees was describing, and the research I did around Quaker faith ceremonies made it clear that Trees and Sam’s ceremony needed to be a rite of passage, and not just for the couple, but for everyone present. Through the Rites of Passage Institute, I graduated from the two levels of leadership facilitation training in the rites of passage framework and I used this expertise to design a ceremony that supported them through an enlightened experience of growth.
Rite of Passage
A rite of passage is a ceremony that marks an important transition in a person’s life, such as marriage. Rite of passages help facilitate a growth or change in a person’s beliefs, identity, values, and sense of self. When someone reaches the end of one phase of life and enters a new one, a rite of passage process can support this transition. Rites of passage offer structured and facilitated time for reflection, visioning, introspection, confidence building and community support.
A Rite of Passage contain these core steps:
separation from society
transition from the old stage of life to the new one
integration back into society or the community
The rite of passage framework identifies three steps and four key elements in a rite of passage that are used to create transformation. As explained above, the three steps are separation from society, the transition from the old stage of life to the new one, and finally integration back into society.
During the transition stage, four key elements are included in the process:
sharing of stories
a challenge or ordeal
formation of a vision for the future
honouring and recognition of a person’s unique gifts, spirit, talents and strengths.
The Ceremony
The ceremony I designed honoured the bride’s vision, included fundamental elements of a Quaker faith ceremony, and supported the couple and guests through a rite of passage.
Separation
In a circle and nestled in chairs amongst the olive trees at Pialligo Estate, guests entered into the first stage of a rite of a passage; separation. Being taken into a ‘container’, the guests were separated from their everyday life, and even their expectations of what they assumed the ceremony would be like. Separation helps people to be open for reflection, change, and for growth to occur. This container of carefully chosen loved ones was what created a sacred space present in a Quaker faith ceremony. Gaining genuine engagement and participation from guests is critical in a rite of passage. To help facilitate this, before Trees made her entrance she asked if I could facilitate introductions, “just like circle time in pre-school” she explained. After I introduced myself and said some housekeeping remarks, I explained that “Trees and Sam didn’t want their ceremony to feel disconnected from you all, and because you’re all so important to them, they really wanted their ceremony to be more of an open conversation about life, love, and of course, Sam and Trees. It will be a chance to share the stories you have about the couple and what you love about them as individuals and as a couple.” After this, one by one, the guests introduced themselves, shared how they knew the couple, and revealed one fun fact about themselves. Then, it was time for the Bride to make her entrance.
Transition
Storytelling and Challenge
Through the grass, and with her Mother by her side, she approached with a single sunflower in hand as “Walking on Sunshine” filled the wind. Trees welcomed us with a prayer, and I followed with an Acknowledgement of Country to the Ngunnawal Peoples as the first carers of the land on which we were gathered. With my role as the facilitator, I spoke about how it is often difficult to know the moment we fall in love, but how that was not the case for Trees and Sam. Supporting the group further into the first step of the transition stage in a rite of passage, I invited Trees to share the story of when she knew she was in love with Sam. Storytelling is a powerful tool to birth vulnerability and build a sense of belonging within the group.
Following the bride and groom’s stories, the circle was opened to anyone who wanted to share a story. Amongst the stories, Trees’ friend Alison, who is usually reserved about her feelings, spoke openly about how much Trees had helped her grow as a person and become more open minded and in touch with her feelings. She spoke about how she could see that Trees had helped Sam do the same. Sam’s friend Kelly then spoke about the hard times that Sam had faced after his divorce, and that she too could see how Trees had helped Sam overcome his struggles and realise that he is enough. This story was followed by another, then another, and many more after. The group had overcome the second step of the transition stage in challenging themselves. By overcoming the challenge to be vulnerable, open, and to share stories about their experiences with the couple, there was a deep sense of connectedness, a heightened sense of love, appreciation, and euphoria.
Vision
A common challenge for a couple on their wedding day is to speak their vows to one another. Keeping the circle intact, Trees and Sam faced one another and shared their intimate and heartfelt words of love and support. With their vows, the couple moved through their challenge and into the third step in the transition stage of a rite of passage, the vision. In their vows their spoke to their vision for the future as they stepped into the next stage of their life. Their vows included beautiful promises for the future such as this:
I promise to continue working hard, accepting challenges and building myself up to be the best version for us to have our best lives
I promise to be proud of you, everyday, and never take you for granted
I will make sure you are always proud of me, and always have something to brag about to your friends and family about how awesome your husband is
I will talk with you and discuss my feelings, dreams, fears and victories
I will ask you questions and listen to your answers, learning everything about you
I promise to always support your beliefs and faith, learning more about it and sharing moments together
Lastly, I promise to share life with you, every aspect of it. My life no longer exists as my own, it is now ours
Honouring and Integration
An important aspect in both a rite of passage and a Quaker faith ceremony is to have the significant transition into the next stage of life be honoured and acknowledged by the community. The goal of an honouring is to highlight the strength of the person, to build self-worth, and support them to persist in the fulfilment of their vision. To facilitate this, I incorporated a ring warming ritual. In this ritual, the rings were passed through each guest and as they held the rings in their hand, they spoke words of wisdom for the couple’s marriage, why they were proud of the couple, and warm wishes for their future.
When the couple exchanged their rings, they were no longer a gift from one another but held the warmth and wishes of everyone there. I spoke about how marriage is a choice, and that choice is represented with rings. I continued to say that when they wake up in the morning and choose to wear their wedding rings, they are showing each other that they choose one another, every day. As Trees and Sam placed their rings on one another’s fingers they spoke “by wearing this ring, I choose you every day”. With great warmth in my heart, I pronounced them as Husband and Wife.
Amidst the hugs and joy following this declaration, we looked to our phones in astonishment as we noticed the time. The perception of time changing is one characteristic of having experienced liminal space. Liminal space is when people’s set of beliefs, mindsets, and truths can change, and their new identity is realised. This psychological openness is essential for people to experience transformation in a rite of passage. As well as everyone’s feelings of connectedness, the discovering that the intended 30-minute ceremony had in fact lasted over 75-minutes, was a profound realisation that we all had transitioned through a rite of passage ceremony.
Your wedding, your way
It was a beautiful challenge to create a ceremony that acknowledged a couple’s rite of passage into marriage in a unique way where, not only the couple, but the guests left feeling changed, more connected, and with a stronger sense of self. Every love story is sacred and deserves to be celebrated in an authentic way. As a celebrant, I have a great honour in being the person to share a couple’s story and welcome them into marriage. It’s my mission to make each welcome as magic as the last!
Big thanks to Thorson Photography for these amazing images of Trees and Sam’s wedding.
This article was first published in The Celebrant Magazine.